Growing In Love

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the concept of "falling in love." I believe that the words we use to describe our experience of life- including our hopes and dreams- have the power to shape our reality. For this reason, I put extra effort and care into choosing my words, because I want to do my best to ensure that the reality I am shaping is one that expresses my values and intentions. And, this idea of "falling" in love really doesn't do that.

Because I was fed the same fairy-tale notions of love as a child that most people are, I grew into young adulthood under the spell of the expectation that love was something I would fall into. Story books, romantic novels, and movies taught me to believe that someone would come along and be so perfect for me that I would just fall, uncontrolled, into love with them, they would do the same with me, and we would live happily ever after in a state of bliss. Of course, as I matured, the fairytale was distorted by experience, and I began to feel that I had failed. But, in time, I realized that I was not the problem, the problem was with the societal reality that the words have created.

The problem I have with the idea of "falling in love" is that it places people in a passive position with regard to the state of love, and love, in my opinion, is anything but passive. Love is action, requiring engagement and choice and a surrendering of the singular into a unified entity that enlarges the energies of all parties involved. This leads me to believe that it is more accurate to say that we "grow in love."

When I think of the phrase "growing in love," I reflect on a pair of trees that have been growing in my yard for many decades. As saplings, each had a great deal of space around them, allowing their upper stories ample sunshine and their roots space enough to deeply connect with the earth. In this way, each tree grew strong in its place. As time passed, the trees grew taller and thicker, and their branches began to reach toward one another, at times even touching, and eventually even co-mingling. While there was some degree of competition for resources, there was also communion. By growing together, one never inching out the other, but, rather, each making room for the other to thrive, their union made the space around them more glorious. The shade they cast together gave shelter to all manner of creatures, the fruit they dropped gave life to both flora and fauna, and each tree gave the other the strength to reach its greatest height while remaining rooted in its deepest source.

To grow in love, people have to engage in love as action. Most people I know consider love to be a feeling. But, I believe that love is a container that holds many feelings. Love isn't the feelings, it's the container. And, the container is comprised of the actions we take to ensure the spiritual well-being of both ourselves and the other, or others, whom we hold precious. So, I don't think that it's healthy to "fall in love." I think that when we "fall in love," we lose our power, but when we choose to "grow in love," our power exponentiates and becomes a gift to all.