It is a time of great change: school has started for both Rain and me, I have scaled back my hours, considerably, at the cafe, my birthday has come and gone, and Summer is making way for Fall. Of course, there are smaller shifts happening all around these bigger changes, as the cascading effect of change is inevitable. Being in school means that I am less available for all of the other activities I either enjoy doing or have, over the course of time, become responsible for. Fortunately, we humans are amazingly adaptable. Week three of school has arrived and I am starting to feel as though the aftershocks are subsiding and the ground beneath my feet is settling again.
Still, it took tremendous effort to get myself to that first day of school, which was not everyone else's first day of school. I haven't been a student in a handful of years and never at this level, so I just had no idea how much preparation was involved in starting college. Summer came and went without me knowing I had long ago been assigned a school email account, so unbeknownst to me emails full of important information had piled up all summer! Several of those emails were on the topic of medical forms (all of you former college students can sigh in commiseration here), more specifically the issue of vaccinations. Good heavens! I had no idea that it would require three whole weeks of bureaucratic hoop-jumping to resolve this issue, but it did. A multitude of phone calls made and received, a dozen visits to my doctor's office, a flurry of faxes sent and received later, my medical hold was lifted and, on week two, I walked onto campus, a college Junior. Talk about a happy woman! I was giddy! It amused me to glance about the room at my classmates, most of whom are 18 and freshly graduated from high school, and see their faces glazed with either boredom or incomprehension, their bodies fidgety and flighty, while I was totally relaxed and utterly absorbed. I am there to learn and to apply what I learn to very specific goals, which gives me focus, excitement, and energy.
Rain came home from school a few days ago and said, "You're studying the Constitution, right?" I nodded. "Yup, in two of my classes. "He smiled." We're studying the Constitution!" "Oh, cool!" I exclaimed. "I guess we'll have a lot to talk about." He smiled again, nodded knowingly. "We certainly will." School has the power to bring me even closer to my son's daily reality, instead of dragging me further from it, and perhaps it can give each of us opportunity to see ourselves in the other, to find empathy and correlation. Anything that keeps me connected to my son is a blessing.
I have loved the Fall my whole life, and I guess for many reasons. School has always been "my element," so Fall has always been "my season," with back-to-school being a welcome imposition of structure, order, and focus. School forces me to harness and channel my energies in very productive and illuminating ways and provides me great opportunity to express myself in ways that are helpful to others. It creates an environment in which I am not only free to indulge my curiosities, my analytical tendencies, my expressive drive, but required to! What a luxury! What a joy! Fall is also the season of my birth, so it feels like the beginning of my new year each and every time. I get so energized and excited about possibilities, dreams, goals. Not only do we harvest in Fall, but we glance forward from that harvest with a sense of what will be required of us to succeed in the following season. At the threshold of every ending is a new beginning.
The nicest thing about not being at the cafe so much is that I get to wear my hair down. It's a silly thing, but I'm ready for the freedom of it. I feel liberated! Also, I get to put on clothes in the morning that are still pretty clean when I take them off at night (not infused with the scent of chili and cupcakes or streaked with stains of every sort), and almost no one asks me to do anything for them. If they do, it's not because I am standing behind a counter that infers my subservience, but because they see that I have skills that can help them get where they want to go. A welcome change. What I have found difficult is letting go of all that has defined me for so long. I walk into that space, any space really, and see all of the details which add up to a feeling of harmony and order, all the little things that make a space welcoming, and I attend to them efficiently and with vigor. I perform about six people's jobs! Knowing that no one else does what I do has me concerned that those things just won't get done and I know how important they are. Lately, I've been taking note of those almost unseen tasks and teaching others how to see and perform them, too. I guess it's one way to stave off the nagging notion that I am abandoning something that truly needs me. But, maybe it's only ego that has me believing it needs me. Perhaps it really doesn't. I guess I'll find out as time passes.
I have dropped in on a wave of change and I am falling, feet beneath me, heart giddy with excitement, down its face, feeling the pull of its power. I have committed myself to change and, soul surfer that I am, I know that once we've committed all we can do is ride that wave.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Such A Week I'm Having!
It's been fascinating to watch myself fall apart as the first day of school has drawn closer. Because I didn't get all of my medical forms returned on time to Health Services, I have been on a medical hold at my school. This means I can't go to classes, or even access important information regarding them, until Health Services lifts this hold and gives me a slip of paper to show each of my instructors which indicates that I am not a health menace to the herd. I have cried a fair amount every day for the past week.
Of course, work has to also be stressful because, well, because! Because I perform at least five people's jobs, and because no one capable of taking over for me applied for work over the summer, despite all of the advertising we did to recruit someone, it has been impossible to find my replacement. Which means that I am up to my eyeballs in school-related tasks (and about to be attending five classes) while simultaneously managing the bakery (i.e. managing commercial accounts and vendor relations, baking full-time, and making deliveries) and training others to do some of the work I do. And since I perform a multitude of "unseen" tasks, which are almost impossible to tally, delegating my work-load is a daunting task. One that, it seems, I am going to be doing bit by bit.
Wouldn't you know it, I'm also traveling to California tomorrow, to attend the wedding of my longest-time and dearest friend who, after decades of single-mom-career-woman-supergoddesshood, has found her true love. I am honored to be included in her wedding bash and so, just as I am starting school and transitioning out of the work I've done for so many years, I am boarding a plane at 6 AM tomorrow and flying across the continent to make merry with many, and feeling pretty happy about it (even though it means I'll be up before even the worms, let alone the birds). Still, preparing to travel cross-country and be away for three nights has not exactly been my priority, so I have been feeling panicked about all that I need to get done.
And, let's not overlook that today happens to be my baby boy's fourteenth birthday! Have I planned a party? Decided on the perfect gift? Um. No. No I haven't. He just walked out the door with his buddy, off to his first day of 8th grade. Wow. He's several inches taller and quite a bit more slender and angular than he was on his first day of 7th grade; looking oh-so-like his father and every inch the young man. His summer was unspectacular, except for the fact that he demonstrated tremendous maturity and poise in the face of adversity at sleepover camp. He was ill-placed in a cabin full of boys much younger and less mature than he and got caught in the crossfire of their foolish choices. As he didn't stop any of it from happening, he was complicit and was placed "on contract," which means that he couldn't go anywhere in camp without a counselor present (yes, even the bathroom) and was quite close to being sent home. At that point, instead of lamenting his bad luck, he turned his frustration toward canoeing and, with a cabin mate, earned his first canoeing rating, his Tandem. He is now endowed with significant canoeing skills and, perhaps more importantly, knows that, most often, you've got to grow where you're planted. I have watched with wonder as my son has grown to young adulthood and feel so proud of the person that he is. Last night, he said, "I don't need a party, or presents. I just want to chill at home with you." Then he gave me a big hug and told me how much he loves me, which induced more tears.
Yesterday, I was at the end of my rope, feeling desperate and sorrowful that I wasn't able to start school when I was scheduled to, feeling cornered into getting a vaccine I didn't want to get for fear of it making me sick just as I'm preparing to travel, feeling overwhelmed by the amount of effort involved in performing the simplest tasks at work as it involved slowly showing others how to do it, feeling regretful that I wouldn't be able to properly celebrate my son's birthday with him. Today, I've decided that I'm going to drive down to my school, buy all of my books and supplies, pick up my parking permit, check in with my admissions counselor to thank her for all of her help and support, drop in on my instructors to introduce myself, and put everything into place for me to start classes next Tuesday. My medical hold will be lifted late this morning, so I could attend afternoon classes, but I'm going to pass. Instead, I'm going to get a present for my boy, make him a card and a little cake, get a pedicure (my one girly indulgence, I admit), then go home and pack my bag to ready for tomorrow's flight. Today, I have freed myself from the stress and the fear and the frustration.
Though change is the one constant, it's never easy, is it? As mentally prepared as I feel to make this change in my life, I'm still subject to all sorts of mixed emotions around it. I've cried more this week than I have in a while, even as wonderful things have happened. I started working with a physical therapist who is helping me make the next step in recovering from being assaulted. I celebrated a most special anniversary with a dear friend. I got to spend a couple of nights with the most adorable 11-month-old and his beautiful, wonderful Mama who just happens to be my beloved friend. It's been a great summer and I'm really happy to have the opportunity to embark on this new life path. And, sometimes, we've got to fall apart so that we can put ourselves back together again and maybe do it in a way that gives us even greater access to what matters most: joy.
Of course, work has to also be stressful because, well, because! Because I perform at least five people's jobs, and because no one capable of taking over for me applied for work over the summer, despite all of the advertising we did to recruit someone, it has been impossible to find my replacement. Which means that I am up to my eyeballs in school-related tasks (and about to be attending five classes) while simultaneously managing the bakery (i.e. managing commercial accounts and vendor relations, baking full-time, and making deliveries) and training others to do some of the work I do. And since I perform a multitude of "unseen" tasks, which are almost impossible to tally, delegating my work-load is a daunting task. One that, it seems, I am going to be doing bit by bit.
Wouldn't you know it, I'm also traveling to California tomorrow, to attend the wedding of my longest-time and dearest friend who, after decades of single-mom-career-woman-supergoddesshood, has found her true love. I am honored to be included in her wedding bash and so, just as I am starting school and transitioning out of the work I've done for so many years, I am boarding a plane at 6 AM tomorrow and flying across the continent to make merry with many, and feeling pretty happy about it (even though it means I'll be up before even the worms, let alone the birds). Still, preparing to travel cross-country and be away for three nights has not exactly been my priority, so I have been feeling panicked about all that I need to get done.
And, let's not overlook that today happens to be my baby boy's fourteenth birthday! Have I planned a party? Decided on the perfect gift? Um. No. No I haven't. He just walked out the door with his buddy, off to his first day of 8th grade. Wow. He's several inches taller and quite a bit more slender and angular than he was on his first day of 7th grade; looking oh-so-like his father and every inch the young man. His summer was unspectacular, except for the fact that he demonstrated tremendous maturity and poise in the face of adversity at sleepover camp. He was ill-placed in a cabin full of boys much younger and less mature than he and got caught in the crossfire of their foolish choices. As he didn't stop any of it from happening, he was complicit and was placed "on contract," which means that he couldn't go anywhere in camp without a counselor present (yes, even the bathroom) and was quite close to being sent home. At that point, instead of lamenting his bad luck, he turned his frustration toward canoeing and, with a cabin mate, earned his first canoeing rating, his Tandem. He is now endowed with significant canoeing skills and, perhaps more importantly, knows that, most often, you've got to grow where you're planted. I have watched with wonder as my son has grown to young adulthood and feel so proud of the person that he is. Last night, he said, "I don't need a party, or presents. I just want to chill at home with you." Then he gave me a big hug and told me how much he loves me, which induced more tears.
Yesterday, I was at the end of my rope, feeling desperate and sorrowful that I wasn't able to start school when I was scheduled to, feeling cornered into getting a vaccine I didn't want to get for fear of it making me sick just as I'm preparing to travel, feeling overwhelmed by the amount of effort involved in performing the simplest tasks at work as it involved slowly showing others how to do it, feeling regretful that I wouldn't be able to properly celebrate my son's birthday with him. Today, I've decided that I'm going to drive down to my school, buy all of my books and supplies, pick up my parking permit, check in with my admissions counselor to thank her for all of her help and support, drop in on my instructors to introduce myself, and put everything into place for me to start classes next Tuesday. My medical hold will be lifted late this morning, so I could attend afternoon classes, but I'm going to pass. Instead, I'm going to get a present for my boy, make him a card and a little cake, get a pedicure (my one girly indulgence, I admit), then go home and pack my bag to ready for tomorrow's flight. Today, I have freed myself from the stress and the fear and the frustration.
Though change is the one constant, it's never easy, is it? As mentally prepared as I feel to make this change in my life, I'm still subject to all sorts of mixed emotions around it. I've cried more this week than I have in a while, even as wonderful things have happened. I started working with a physical therapist who is helping me make the next step in recovering from being assaulted. I celebrated a most special anniversary with a dear friend. I got to spend a couple of nights with the most adorable 11-month-old and his beautiful, wonderful Mama who just happens to be my beloved friend. It's been a great summer and I'm really happy to have the opportunity to embark on this new life path. And, sometimes, we've got to fall apart so that we can put ourselves back together again and maybe do it in a way that gives us even greater access to what matters most: joy.
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