Questioning My Sanity

Classes haven't even started and I'm already procrastinating. I finally logged into my school email account today and was horrified by the number of messages awaiting me. Important information here, people! Who knew? Right now, instead of filling out my overdue medical forms, I'm eating green olives marinated in garlic and lemon juice, and writing this. I'm setting the bar high. Each morning this week, I've felt fall in the air as I greeted the day and a feeling of doom has settled in my gut that not even these delectable green olives can assuage. People, I'm scared. I keep thinking, "What have I done? What was I thinking? What have I gotten myself into?"

But, then I go to work and poke holes in cupcakes, filling them with vegan cream and topping them with smooth chocolate ganache and I remember. No matter how much I appreciate what those humble cakes have done for me, I'm most ready to bid them adieu. Really! I've got a callous on my right index finger from poking holes in cupcakes, a little reminder that I am on the right path. Star told me recently (making me cry), "You've earned this. You've paid your dues. You deserve this more than anyone I know."

School. I really love school- the structure, the challenge, the synergy, the constant stream of information, the irrelevant tangents made by professors during lectures. Actually, that part annoys me to no end, but the rest is delightful. I'm taking these next two years as a kind of large, living crossword puzzle designed to stimulate massive synapsis growth and reverse the effects of what feels like middle-age dementia. My brain feels dried out and crusty, desperately in need of an energizing zap of ideas and concepts. I'm terrifically excited. And, shhhh, don't tell anyone, I'm terrified.

How the hell does anyone hold it all together while they're in school? Parenting, job, health and fitness, some semblance of a social life, personal hygiene? My mom went back to school full-time when I was a kid while she worked a couple of jobs and things didn't go so well, really. I've watched women much stronger and wonder-womanly than I fall to pieces in the face of what I'm about to take on and, yeah, I'm a little unsure of how I'm gonna pull it off, but I'm guessing I'll need a lot of hugs.